Phobia Begone

Anyone who knows me well, knows I am quite the phobic person. Whether it be a fear of heights, a fear of enclosed places, a fear of the flying cockroaches that reside in Texas (although who wouldn't be afraid of those evil demons), or having a fear of driving on the highway - you name it, I am pretty much freaked out by it. This isn't to say that I am a recluse who is afraid to go outside, but over the years, I have continued to grow some basic phobias. I have gotten much better, though, and have been able to get past a lot of this (aside from the cockroaches - those things can go to hell). And really - all my fears are pretty well-founded. Heights - well they are high up - which means you could fall down. Pretty logical fear. Enclosed places - yeah, well I don't think anyone wants to be stuck in some small place where they can't get out. Driving on the highway - anyone who lives in Houston with its crazy drivers and endless highways can understand why it is a little intimidating to be thrown into that. But there are a few irrational fears that not many people know I have.

One of these is - don't laugh - a fear of puppets. Okay, you can laugh because it is pretty darn funny. And it isn't as though I would run the other way if I came face to face with a puppet. They just freak me out. Sort of like how that clown from Poltergeist freaks just about everyone one. They are just scary. VERY scary. I am not talking about muppets here - I love me some muppets. Probably because they are so lovable and cute and are part of my childhood. Kermit the Frog was always my absolute favorite as a child - which was partially the reason for my dad giving me the nickname Froggy - which still, unfortunately, sticks to this day. So I love muppets, but puppets - the ones with the hinged jaws and bulging eyes that pivot back and forth - the kind that ventriloquists use... THOSE are the devil incarnate. Like that crazy Charlie McCarthy puppet from back in the fifties. Or worse - Howdy Doody. Gah! Those things are just hideous! I don't know what it is about them, but they are just so evil looking. Hence me never having liked ventriloquists. Anytime one would be on television, I would flip the channel to another station.

Now I have to say, in the past few weeks, I have changed my mind about ventriloquists. And it's all because of this guy:



Terry Fator, the winner of America's Got Talent, is the most amazing ventriloquist I have ever seen in my life. From the time he came out on the stage during auditions, I knew he would win. The guy is not only a ventriloquist, but he can impersonate nany singer out there. He makes his puppets sing - and not only sing, but sing WELL - to the voices of several famed artists, both male and female. My favorite puppet of his is an adorable turtle. This guy singlehandedly has the most talent of any individual I have ever seen. Luckily, for once, America voted and got it right. Tonight he won the million dollars and landed a gig in Vegas performing his act. Check out his act:







Seriously, even his hinged jawed, crazy eyed puppets (none of which he used during his run on America's Got Talent - smart guy) would probably not freak me out. This guy is simply amazing, and has definitely turned me, and probably all of America, into lovers of what was thought to be a lost art form. Congrats Terry!

Now if only he can get me over my fear of heights and flying cockroaches...

Fourth of July Challenge

So I actually created a cake. No, not a urinal cake (see my last entry). I created an actual, honest to goodness cake. And I didn't use Betty Crocker! I used Pillsbury. so there! There was no way I was going to sit there and measure ingredients. It took enough energy for me to go to Kroger and buy the box of Pillsbury Funfetti cake mix. And I had to choose from the wide array of pretty icings and sprinkles. That takes a lot of work, people!

I have to say, for a cake made from a mix, I went all out on the decoration. Granted, looking at it you might think a twelve year old had their hand in it. But it actually took me about an hour to get it just right. I think I may have overdosed on canned frosting, because I had a lot left and I directly sprayed some of it directly in my mouth. I am having a hard time typing because of the sugar high. But hey, it was worth it.

So here is my masterpiece. You know you are jealous.

This is the cake before I started adding the stripes and stars.



Yes, I realize those don't look like stars. They are marshmallows. But hey, there ARE fifty of them! I should get some points for that.







I can't say that I have confidence that I will the contest over at Chick Chat Radio, especially considering I am up against some very stiff competition. RSM did wonderfully last year, and Carrisa is an awesome baker. I can only imagine what she has concocted for the competition. At least I can say that I tried. And I know it is edible! So there's a point in my favor!

So Happy Fourth of July to all of you out there! I hope you took part in the cake competition!

Replace the Urinal Cakes

Tonight I watched a couple episodes of The Office on NBC, mainly because it is summertime and none of my regular shows are on, and Fox News was depressing me. If I had to hear one more piece about Chris Benoit or Paris Hilton, I was going to go off the deep end. So I turned on The Office, figuring that I might as well give it a shot. Immediately, I wondered why I had never watched this show before. First off, it is set in Scranton, PA, which is literally just minutes from the town in which I was born. Granted, none of these people on the show have the typical Scranton accents, but something about the whole feel of the office just epitomized Scranton. I was in hysterics the whole time, and only stopped one time to say "What the hell does that mean?"

It was a part of the episode where Dwight said to one of the cleaning people, who were on a spring cleaning rampage of the office, to go "replace the urinal cakes". I looked at Patrick and said "What the shit are urinal cakes*? Why have I never heard of these things?" The obvious answer might have something to do with the fact that I am a girl and have never been inside a men's bathroom or within fifty feet of a urinal. Despite that fact, though, how could I be so ignorant about something like this? A urinal cake? Somehow "urinal" and "cake" just don't seem to go together at ALL. Patrick, with a completely deadpan face, looked at me and said "A urinal cake is this small confectionery treat that they put on a table next to the urinal. If you're hungry, you just grab one and eat it while you're taking a piss." Obviously I knew right away the funny bastard was full of shit. Not even I, the most gullible woman in the world, would believe that the bathroom patrons of the world would set out ho-ho's and ding-dongs for hungry men who have to take a piss. Sure, it does sort of sound like a man's dream, but come on! The entire episode, I kept on asking him what the hell a urinal cake was, and he kept saying the same thing over and over. It was really frustrating, because once I get onto something I can't get my mind off of it. Obviously has something to do with the chronic OCD. I sat there trying to conjure up an image in my head of some sort of object that one would place in a urinal that could be equated to a cake. And nothing made sense. A toilet is a toilet, right? Regardless of whether it is a damn urinal, or not. And I have never seen a toilet in a women's restroom with any sort of cake in it.

So I finally jumped up from the couch and googled "urinal cake". And this is what I found.

I'm sorry - but what is wrong with men that they have to have a freakin' deodorizer in the urinal so that they don't stink up the entire place? Women don't have this problem! We go to the bathroom, flush it, and voila! No smell! Sure, I know there's different anatomy involved with men and more chances that there will be, um, drippage, when a dude goes to the bathroom, but please!

Upon doing some more research on urinal cakes, I have found that some even sport bulls eyes, so a guy can have a little fun aiming while going potty. There are even high tech urinal cakes. When you pee on them, a device is activated and a message is played. Apparently an advertising company made them to advertise new movies. I think it would freak me out if I started going to the bathroom and an ad started playing for the newest Bruce Willis movie, I might get a little freaked out.

But then again, men are a different breed. They seem to be entertained on a much simpler level than women. So if urinal cakes can get the job done? Why not!

And here is my favorite urinal cake. Can't get much of a better target than that.

*Disclaimer - It is complete coincidence that I wrote this entry on urinal cakes directly after writing about the Fourth of July cake contest. Don't worry - I won't be adding any strange ingredients to my WINNING Fourth of July cake!

Betty Crocker would be proud

When I was a little kid, I dreamed of being the next Betty Crocker. I remember going with my dad to the military commissary to buy groceries and I always loved the aisle with the rows and rows of Betty Crocker boxes and all the pretty jimmies (or sprinkles, as they are called by most people, I have found) and frosting. Generally, because my dad was pretty tight with the pocketbook, we would buy whatever Betty Crocker we had a coupon for and passed over the pretty sprinkles, but we would always end up buying several boxes. We would go to a small country store by our house to buy bulk items like jimmies and other cake adornments. My favorite thing to do on a Saturday afternoon - especially if I was home alone - would be to create a masterpiece for my family to enjoy as a surprise. Granted, it was a freakin' Betty Crocker cake with pre-made frosting, but it was something I made all by myself. God knows what those things looked like - a ten year old creating anything in the kitchen can be rather scary. But everyone always ate what I put in front of them, so I am at least assuming they tasted okay. As I got older, I even ventured into making cakes from scratch - sans Betty Crocker! It was so much fun to measure out all the ingredients carefully and lick the batter as I went along, and to see the final result was always the best part. By that point, I wouldn't even feel like eating it since I had licked so much batter.

For some reason, I have fallen off the pastry chef wagon. I don't think I have baked a cake in at least seven or eight years. Sure, I cook on a regular basis and bake things, but never cakes. I am not really sure why, but it could have something to do with the fact that I live in an apartment with a kitchen the size of most people's walk-in-closets, and I have no room for mixers or baking dishes. This isn't to say I still don't enjoy baking - I just don't generally have the space or the time to do it.

I have been given a challenge, though. A baking challenge. And I will take on this challenge because when it comes to anything creative - especially anything relating to something tasty - I must take it on. The girls over at Chick Chat Radio have challenged me, along with several other bloggers and and anyone else who is interested, to a Fourth of July Flag Cake Smackdown. Last year, Rockstar Mommy made the best cake EVAH, so there is a lot to live up to this year. I have no clue yet as to what I am going to do, but with some creativity I am pretty sure I will have a good shot.

So if any of you are interested in taking part, just contact Heidi over at Chick Chat Radio and let her know. And for you men out there, even Tesco is taking part. And apparently you can even use odd items like pop tarts to create your masterpiece. Just check it with Heidi before you do it, because unhulled strawberries got RSM into some trouble last year.

So bring it on, my fellow Betty Crocker inspired bitches!

Miss Etiquette

So the wedding plans are in motion, and yet at the same time, I feel as though I am in a rut. I can almost guarantee that every bride feels helpless at some point during the whole wedding planning process. Between either the bride or groom's family intervening, or even friends and acquaintances giving their two cents, there always seems to be different viewpoints and varying ideas on what is the best way to do things. Luckily for me, I have a very amazing family and my parents are basically paying for the entire wedding. It is even taking place in Pennsylvania, which is good in many ways because it deflects a lot of the responsibility off of me and onto my parents. But at the same time, I hate to do that. I hate that my parents have so much on their plates. And to top it off, I am an obsessive-compulsive control freak, and to have the center of responsibility taken away from me is almost crippling at times. I can't just get in my car and drive over to meet with the photographer when I have a question, or go visit the winery where we are having the wedding in order to get a better idea of how things will be set up. Sure, I have been there and have seen what it looks like, but there are so many unanswered questions as to how things will work that day. I have an amazing set of people helping out, including my mom's best friend who is the florist. She is basically a wedding planner, unofficially, but her knowledge of the entire wedding process is astounding. So I have a good team of people helping - I am just bad when it comes to delegating tasks. I have trust in others, but at the same time am afraid things won't work out just the way I want them to.

And then I even start getting nervous when it comes to simple things like wedding registries. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, because I was reading a blog entry over at the Chick Chat Radio blog and they were voicing the same concern I have. Will the people I give my registry information to feel compelled to buy off the registry? Is there a way to let them know that I am not a snob who only wants items off my registries? In this day and age, it is so common for people to have registries that I don't think they always think of this, but there are many older people out there who don't understand or even like the idea of a registry. It just seems like one added stress that I am not quite sure how to contend with. Sure, I am having a small wedding and I am pretty sure most of the people we are inviting are extremely cool and could give a rats ass about things like that, and actually will like knowing what items we would like. But there is always that small percentage of people who are offended by it - and it just freaks me out. Am I just being overly concerned about nothing? What are all of your thoughts on wedding registries?

And someone - please give me some ideas on stress relief. Because right about now I could use some massive relaxation skills!